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Codependency
and the "Gifts"
by
Anyaa H'redulla
The
challenges in my life have been
no more and no less than many
others'. Some have been quite
remarkable, but then again, some
haven't (except to me
personally). It
really is a matter of
perspective.
Some
people experience what we many
may call great misfortune. But if
the person is able to come to terms with it,
discovers the gift within, and their life
is forever changed
for the better, then
is it a tragedy?
Who
are we to judge?
We may feel
sorry for the person who becomes
a quadriplegic as the result of
an accident and now lives their
life in a wheelchair, but that
event
may have been exactly what they
needed to point their life in an
entirely new direction, which
they consider the best
thing that ever happened to
them!
That
being said, it wasn't fun going
through many of my experiences
and I wouldn't wish them on
anyone. Looking back however, I
wouldn't change anything
as I have been able to accept
the gift of that experience.
Hindsight is the great teacher
in such situations!
One of my greatest
triumphs has been overcoming my
codependent tendencies connected
with my
relationship with alcoholics.
Not only were both my husbands
alcoholics (plus my first
husband was abusive), but after my second
divorce I became involved with yet
another alcoholic who was a classic binge
drinker. More of that story is
recounted in my reflections on Forgiveness.
It
took me a long time (along with a
couple of years in Al-Anon and a
great deal of soul- searching) to recognize
my own power in these
relationships
and get past the codependency.
The problem was, I loved these
men and thought If only I
love them enough, I can
change them!
| Yes...
I actually believed my
love for them would make
them change! At
the time, I
didn't realize it was up to ME
to change... not them. |
Well,
change I did. Eventually I was
able to walk away from that last
relationship with love in my
heart for him AND myself. I now
know that I will never endure
another abusive or alcoholic
relationship. It simply isn't on
my radar.
But
it wasn't always that way, of
course. As a young wife and
mother living in a strange new
country (my husband and I
immigrated to Canada shortly
after our wedding and my
daughter was born a few months
later), my husband kept me
totally isolated from people unless we went
somewhere together. He wouldn't
even allow me to go shopping by
myself!
Eventually,
I came to understand that this
is classic alcoholic control,
but at the time I just thought
he was protecting me. There were
many things I didn't understand
then. I didn't even recognize
the word 'alcoholic' until many
years later - after my second
divorce actually. If I ever
thought about it - and I really
didn't - I probably considered my
husband to be social drinkers
and accepted the situation as 'normal.'
Why
it was acceptable, I really
don't know. Alcoholism ran in
both my parent's families,
although my mother and father
didn't drink
themselves. In fact, my father
was a teetotaler. When I was a
little, my mother called brandy
'Grampy's Medicine' as that was
his beverage of choice.
It
wasn't until my first husband
was physically abusive to my
baby daughter that I found the
courage to leave him. Prior to
this, I was too terrified of
retribution to do anything as he
always threatened to kill me -
and anyone I was with - if I
left him.
Thoughts
of changing my situation crossed
my mind at various times, such
as the occasion I found myself
standing over him with a kitchen
knife in my hand. He had passed
out on the bed after being
particularly abusive and I
contemplated putting the knife
in his heart.
Pretty
bizarre behaviour when I think
of it now! But, desperate as I
was to change my situation, I couldn't follow
through - not because I was
afraid of landing in jail, but
because I was afraid I wouldn't
hit the right spot and he
wouldn't die immediately. If
that happened, I knew he would
somehow kill me!
My
decision to finally end my
marriage came when the brother
of a friend recognized what was
going on and offered to help me.
How I would have managed
otherwise is beyond me. I did
leave my husband on one occasion, but
he came after me and promised to
change... again. These promises
were frequent occurrences and I
should have known better, but I
really wanted to believe him.
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It
took many years and many
broken promises before I
finally 'got it'.
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My
second husband was a different
type of alcoholic and I even
wondered if that was the correct
label because his drinking never
interfered with his job - well
not often. The empty
bottles in our liquor cabinet proved
otherwise. But, at least he
wasn't physically abusive! At
least I had
changed that aspect of my
relationship.
The
final alcoholic in my life was a
classic binge drinker, but that
didn't become apparent until I
was head-over-heals in love with
him. We had a stormy
relationship that spanned two
and a half years before I sent
him packing after spending a few
days in the local women's
shelter. Even then, I
obviously hadn't learned my
lesson because he came back into
my life about five years later.
I
had started attending Al-Anon
while we were still together the
first time and also took an
intensive course to learn more
about alcoholism and
codependency. These experiences
prompted the first
break-up. But about five years
later he phoned me
out of the blue as he had been through yet another
rehab.
Long
story-short, I moved across the
country to work at the same
place he was employed. He had
been arrested for DUI and his
lawyer had convinced him to get
straight and go to rehab, AA and
counseling if he wanted to avoid
jail. This was his sixth
DUI!!!!!!
We
decided we were just going to be
friends as I really wasn't
looking for a close relationship
at that time. That changed after
a couple of months when I
realized he really was sober.
However, after his court
case (where he received a very hefty
fine) and the threat of going to
jail was over (for the time
being at least), he returned to
his old ways and started
drinking again.
He
was verbally abusive to me when
he drank, but always remorseful
afterwards and I always forgave
him. One day his words were
particularly offensive and I
realized I was the
one allowing this insulting
behaviour to continue.
I
had a flashbulb moment!
I
was extremely upset - more so
than usual - but if I condoned
his conduct and there were never
any consequences for him, why
would he ever change? Why did I
think so little of myself that I
would accept being treated like
that - drunk or not? Wasn't I
worth MORE than that?
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The
penny finally dropped
and I understood my part
in this codependent
dance!
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Maybe
I was afraid of being left
alone. Maybe I needed to be
'liked'. Maybe my self-esteem was
so low that I felt I didn't
deserve better. I don't know why
I had put up with all this
alcoholic conduct for so many
years, but it finally came to an
end when I suddenly realized
that I DESERVED BETTER!
I
was worth more! I deserved to be
treated better than that!
I
didn't care what the
repercussions were, I wouldn't
stand for it a moment longer! My
notice was on my boss' desk that
very same day. It didn't matter
that I was out of a job and
broke (as usual). All that
mattered was that I treat myself
with dignity and not allow
anyone to speak to me in a
disrespectful, rude,
ill-mannered way again. I
finally found my own self-worth!
As
it happened, my boss begged me
to stay and reprimanded my
ex-friend. We never did get back
together even though I've never
stopped loving him. I will
always be grateful to him and
remember him fondly because he
was the catalyst that changed my
opinion of myself for
ever.
I
firmly believe people come into
our life for specific reasons.
His gift was to help me gain my
self-respect and recognize my
codependency in our
relationship. My first husband
gave me the gift of freedom from
abuse. My second husband gave me
the gift of spiritual freedom.
But that's another story.
I will never
have to go through these lessons
again!
Isn't THAT an amazing
gift?
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This
reflection
may be used in your
newsletter or on your website
as long as nothing is changed and
it appears with
the following
credit:
Anyaa
H'redulla, The
Perseverer, has been on
a conscious spiritual
path for more than
twenty years and is the
author of Joy Makers:
My Tools for
Self-Empowerment available
at http://www.anyaahredulla.com
where she also shares
many of her personal
challenges and
encourages others to
pursue their dreams.
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