Anyaa H'redulla

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"He who knows and knows not he knows, he is asleep - awaken him." Kahlil Gibran

Forgiveness and the Pain-Body

by Anyaa H'redulla

When I read the above words for the first time, I had a very emotional response. They rang so true. Nobody can ever know what it's like to live the life of another human being. Who can deny that walking a mile in someone else's shoes would put a very different perspective on our opinions and judgments.

Have you ever stopped to think why someone said or did what they did? How often do you silently (or not) criticize the homeless person pushing a shopping cart down the road? (S)he doesn't need to do that. (S)he should get a job and make something of her/himself! 

How can we know the reason why that person is where they are? What events in their past led to their present situation? What is his/her pain? Eckhart Tolle reminds us that if we were that person and had lived their life, we would be exactly where they are... and I believe him.

Since reading the words in Stillness Speaks, I have made a point of applying them to many past and present relationships - especially to people who have 'hurt' me. 

My first husband was abusive and an alcoholic. What made him do what he did? What events in HIS life caused him to carry around so much pain that he would inflict suffering on another human being - someone he professed to love?

This was long before I became aware of ego, the pain-body and other topics Eckhart discusses in his books The Power of Now, A New Earth, Stillness Speaks, etc. so I don't know. We never discussed the subject, which was a shame because all relationships provide us the opportunity to go beyond egoic limitations - if we are conscious of it.

The pain-body that Eckhart Tolle talks about is the accumulated pain that we all carry to some degree or another. He likens it to an entity that takes over our personality and makes us act in ways we would never act otherwise. 

We may question whether a person really loves us if they cause us so much distress. How can (s)he do that if (s)he loves me? But we have to remember that the persona that causes the distress is NOT who that person truly is. It's an imposter! Is that why my ex-husband was always so remorseful after a violent incident? I tend to believe it was.

We've all had experiences where we don't know why we did or said what we did and regret our words or actions. Could the pain-body be responsible? Do we all live with another persona that creates less than desirable experiences?

Understanding that an individual's pain-body is the source of their actions doesn't mean that their behaviour is justified - especially if it's abusive. If we're sufficiently conscious, there can be an opportunity to overcome the situation, but I would never recommend anyone stay in a violent relationship. 

My only purpose in using this as an example is that it illustrates the extent someone can go to if their pain-body is big enough. I also want to help you realize that it's possible to forgive someone's actions if we stop to think about their reasons for doing whatever they did. If their past and pain was our past and pain, could we act any differently?

Some refer to the pain-body as the emotional body, but it really doesn't matter what label we attach to it. The effect is the same. We all suffer to some degree or another.

We've become so identified with our various roles, with our misery, with being a victim of someone else's behaviour (our codependency) that it's impossible to do anything other than try to get through whatever painful episode we're going through at the moment hoping life gets better... sooner rather than later!

We all experienced emotional hurts as a child: The validation we crave iwas never forthcoming; the hug we need when we were struggling for one reason or another isn't there; we were criticized for simply being a child and doing child-like things. There were numerous occasions where we sought love and support, but did not find it. To what extent are we damaged by that?

Some children experience even more horrific events that would wound anyone and they carry those memories with them consciously or sometimes even unconsciously into adulthood. How are we to know what has created an individual's pain-body? The simple answer is: We can't.

Nobody is without pain in some form or another. Shouldn't we remember that the next time we're faced with a verbal attack, or someone has a different opinion to our self, or someone doesn't say or do what we think they 'should'? It doesn't hurt to remember that if we were that person and were living their life, we would think and act exactly as they do!

With this understanding comes peace and compassion, and there isn't any need for forgiveness. How can you 'forgive' something that comes from such a source?